Improving Relationships


Relationships are a huge issue in our lives - and throughout our life - relationships with our self and relationships with others. I have written in previous E-Reports about loving yourself, about sending your love and light, about forgiveness and about life's lessons ... all of these are key points in their application to relationships. To have successful relationships know that they begin with yourself. Know that nobody can convince you that you are special or you are loveable unless firstly you believe it yourself. So that's the first decision to make - to be that person that you would like to spend the rest of your life with ... it's a great goal isn't it? ..... to be the person I would like to spend the rest of my life with! You have no choice anyway, so let's make that the starting point.

Give Out What You Want and Love Yourself

Relationships are constantly being built and replenished, and to have successful ones, you must work on them. Loving is a decision ... choose to be loving towards yourself and others ... and actually the joy of loving will flow on from there – you will feel the love coming into your life. I am sure you know that whatever you give out in life you get back. Give out anger …. you get more anger. Give out stress …you get more stress. Give out empathy and understanding …. you get more empathy and understanding. Give out love, you get love. So remember to give out what you want in seeking your special relationship. It's good to know exactly what to give out and exactly what it is you want. Meditation and writing lists can help and I suggest doing written exercises about what you are and what you want straight after meditating on the subject. Have these written lists and review your progress – it can be a real buzz. I’ll suggest some lists to make in this E-Report.


Loving yourself is a first step to any relationship. Taking care of yourself in every way, being a responsible participant in your own life – in your own growth and development, talking to yourself positively, working with goals ……. are all ways to love yourself. I pose the question ‘How can others love you if you don’t love yourself’? So think about the relationship that you have with yourself - you, that special person - knowing that you are special, that you are loveable, and others know this as well. In fact make a decision to be even more loving towards yourself. Say this to yourself: "I love myself with all my heart".

Challenges And Difficulties Are All Learning Lessons

Going through challenges in your life may be difficult. You grow with every one of? life’s difficulties … so you treat them as learning experiences. It is best to be grateful for all the challenges that come into your life ... and realise that from all these challenges you have learned something. In fact challenges are all learning experiences be they negative or positive - you grow in this way. The experiences all contribute to you becoming the person you are today. View all these experiences from the positive side ... even if they're negative, you now know what to avoid. Avoid judging your experiences, rather perceive the lessons positively. Right now you have the opportunity of bringing forward inside your mind all the good points about yourself and how you've experienced them. You probably are a kind, loving, generous, caring person. Just let your mind go, and drift to all your positive attributes. Write down all the things that are good about yourself. Go on, do it right now!

Feeling good now? Great! Just get your arms around yourself and hug yourself. Physically do this, and know that person, that inner person is you that you are hugging, you are a wonderful person.

Negative Thoughts And Forgiveness

Are you stuck on any negative thoughts? Know that you are greater than your thoughts. One of the things to do with these thoughts is just observe them as they come in and let them go - put them in a lift and watch the lift go up to the sky - the thought's gone out of your mind, released into the light for the highest good. And if it comes back again, do it again, and again. You will realise that the thought is not you and that you are not responsible for all your thoughts. And sometimes when negative thoughts persist, you might need to do another exercise - forgiveness. Forgiveness of yourself and others ... the way to do that is to say something like: "I forgive myself for... " and then name what for. That's as simple as it is. You see, if you go back to any situation that is not clear for you, then know that at that time you did the best that you could do with the knowledge that you had at the time. That's all that can ever be expected. Forgive yourself no matter how you handled the situation before. That core essence of you, that loving, caring person is still there - you are not the action that was taken. Forgiving yourself and forgiving others is an extremely important part of relationships.

I Love You And Cherish The Differences

Here now is a good technique for you to use when you experience an argument with your loved ones, or with a person that you're involved with, or your partner. You can actually use the light and your love by sending it to them. That's right. In the middle of an argument, in the middle of a heated discussion, you can stop, be silent and with your heart, just send your love and just say to yourself something like "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you …” so that you are sending this message internally to them, and at the same time you could be sending the light - that clear, colourless, bright light, and you watch or you feel how it changes the argument, in yourself and sometimes in the other person. And then you're ready to move on, because when you have a good relationship with yourself, that's when you can seek and give out and find and improve relationships with others. Make a list of what it is YOU are looking for in a relationship. What type of relationship? And what is it within the relationship that you want? Be very specific.

Now, it's time for you to give out what you want and to act that out in your life, remembering that what you give out, you get back. So now you take the action within your life every day and give out more of what you want. Remember, that in seeking anything, especially in an ongoing relationship, you don't change anyone else ... in fact it's impossible to change other people. In your relationship you may notice that some of your habits or good points are opposite to your friends or partners. Cherish those differences, note them , and know that this is one of the reasons that you have this relationship, to learn from each other. For instance, you may place an expectation on your partner about how they show love. Some people say "I love you" but you don't hear it. You want them to show that they love you by giving you some flowers. It's just a different way. So you see it becomes your expectations being placed on another person that can be the core of an issue. Having a relationship is a big commitment, so know what you're looking for in that relationship. Review your list in your mind of ... what it is you are wanting from a relationship. Know that trust is one of the biggest issues. Some other big issues include sharing your fears or your concerns with your partner, allowing them to be an intimate friend, and allowing your partner or friend to be the person that they are. Remember, you don't change them. Just love them.

So in your meditation, or in your mind's eye always picture or imagine the perfect relationship. Picture or imagine the person or people in this relationship. Hear what is being said in this relationship that is perfect. Experience your relationship using all your senses. Imagine yourself achieving the very perfect relationship. Know that this relationship is full of trust and love and intimacy and that

you accept yourself and your partner or whoever it is in the relationship, as they are. You love them unconditionally, no matter what. Knowing that you can improve your relationships by loving yourself, by giving out what you want, by acting that out, and by accepting, acknowledging and cherishing the differences between you and any relationship you have.

All The Best

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Sandy MacGregor

A Very Special Story From A Seminar Participant About Finding Herself

This first Paragraph is part of my response to JJ - (anonymity has been requested).

You have given a great illustration of how the obstacle in the pathway can get bigger and bigger and also how things can keep happening to us in such a way that they are basically tests ! We are sent "tests" in life to see if we really have "got the lesson" and got through the challenge. Another component of your complete success is that you have realised and I quote "What have I learnt? I have been looking in the wrong places for gentleness, kindness and encouragement - I need to learn how to do this to myself - stop the war and bring in the rehab team.". You are taking charge of your own life and being responsible for yourself. Well done !

    My story starts when I was 11 years old and my father one day accused me of not loving him. This event so confused and frightened me that I developed a belief that said I was bad and wrong, that I upset and irritated people and because my father would withdraw his love when he was upset, I also developed a belief that at some point people would avoid or reject me.  I actually understand now that my father was 'poisoned' by his father who was probably 'poisoned' by his father with this same belief that is so debilitating and toxic that if creates a sad, miserable world of self hate and a cruel internal war that no one else can see.  I believe my father 'poisoned' me that day.  My mother was trying to survive by believing she lived in a facade that we had a perfect happy family - so she was unable to see or acknowledge what my father was doing to me and my sisters. 
    This belief has stayed with me and without me understanding, has controlled much of my life where I have become so skilled at 'sensing' people's response to me to determine if the theory is true or not and if I sensed it to be true, the self berating would begin, guilt, shame and negative self talk and sometimes depending on how pained I was by the suggested rejection, criticism or disapproval, I sometimes verbally attacked the person.  Obviously very devastating when many people wouldn't have a clue what I was going on about. 
    I saw a psychologist when I realized how dangerously close my symptoms were to a girl who was a similar age and in similar circumstances to me, committed suicide.  This psychologist introduced me to and helped me start on the road to recovery.  However, on my third visit, I think he had issues of his own and because of my super radar sensors, I picked it up but of course interpreted it that he disliked and disapproved on me.  I wrote him an attacking letter.  It took him a month to reply to me, he explained to me why I might have interpreted the situation as I did and encouraged me to re-attend his sessions of which I thankfully did and was able to receive so much of his help. 
    It was after I finished my sessions with the psychologist that I came across your book 'Creating Happiness Intentionally' by pure chance in our library.  The meditations had an immediate effect - even my children aged only 5 & 7 commented on how I didn't get so angry anymore.  The tape I have mostly worked with is forgiveness and I have forgiven so many people and events to where I now feel quite cleansed and calmer.  This last year I have been working on forgiving myself and just recently mostly discovered that I am now needing to take complete responsibility for myself (note the positive goal - not "not be a victim" anymore!).  I need to stop blaming and start making my life what I want it to be.
    Which brings me to why I am writing.  I wrote asking for your help about a month ago regarding sleeping. I haven't had a reply, so I sense rejection, disapproval, dislike.  I would love to say it (my toxic belief about how people respond to me) had all disappeared ( and in time I know I will be able to).  So, I pause now and try to rethink this situation of why I haven't heard back from you and the first thing that comes to mind is how similar this situation is to my third session with the psychologist.  You are both males, similar age (similar age to my father!!) and I sense rejection.  I am thinking of your story about the obstacle that comes ones way and if one doesn't deal with it, it gets bigger and bigger.  I feel this same rock has rolled in my path and I don't like it and would like it to go away and I even would like to respond how I always have.
    So I have something to learn from this.  What I actually crave is someone's interest, their attention, I want someone to notice me  -tell me that I am special, that I will get there, that I am OK.  Thank you Sandy - that is it.  I was actually sitting here thinking for a long time - about to abandon and rethink tomorrow - but that is it.  I 'unconsciously'  was wanting a man, a wise, caring man to nurture me, be gentle and be interested in me - notice me be kind to me - talk to me - ask me about me -like a father might!!!  But I do accept that my father is unable to do this.  I think I even understand that I have to learn to be that person that is kind and gentle that nurtures myself.
    What have I learnt?  I have been looking in the wrong places for gentleness, kindness and encouragement - I need to learn how to do this to myself - stop the war and bring in the rehab team.
    Thank you Sandy.  I was feeling unresolved and unfinished. I'm OK now.


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